LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY GOOD FRIEND WALLABY JONES
SO ONE DAY WALLABY HAD BEEN OUT FOR A REALLY LONG WALK
AND IT WAS A HOT DAY
AND SO HE GOES INTO A CONVENIENCE STORE
SO HE HAS ENOUGH MONEY FOR A SODA, OK, FINE, HE CAN POUR A LITTLE INTO A CUP SO HIS WALLABY CAN HAVE A DRINK TOO
SO HE GOES UP TO THE COUNTER
AND HE SEES THE CLERK UP THERE, SOME FAT AWFUL-LOOKING WOMAN, JUST SCARFING DOWN PRINGLES
“HEY MISS, COULD I HAVE A PRINGLE, MY WALLABY’S HUNGRY”
“YOU SHOULD BUY A CAN, THESE ARE MINE”
“I DON’T HAVE ANY CASH ON ME, COULD YOU JUST BUM ME A PRINGLE?”
“GET OUT OF MY STORE YOU CHEAP BASTARD, AND TAKE THAT HOPPING RAT WITH YOU”
WELL
AS SOON AS THE WORDS LEFT HER MOUTH, HER HANDS STARTED ITCHING HORRIBLY
AND SUDDENLY, PURE, LIQUID WALLABY STARTS FLOWING FROM HER FINGERTIPS
I MEAN, IT STARTS AS A TRICKLE, BUT IT TURNS INTO A GUSH
AND IT STARTS SPRAYING EVERYWHERE, LIKE FAKE BLOOD IN A HORROR MOVIE
AND EVERYWHERE IT POOLS, GUESS WHAT FORMS? INVENTORY-DESTROYING WALLABIES
BAM
BAM
BAM
WINDOWS BEING BROKEN, INVENTORY TOTALLY HOSED, PISS AND SHIT EVERYWHERE
ALL BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SHARE ONE STUPID PRINGLE
“HAVE A NICE DAY, MA’AM,” SAID WALLABY JONES, AS HE LEFT MONEY FOR HIS SODA AND LEFT
THE LESSON TO BE LEARNED IS TO EMBRACE GENEROSITY AND YOUR FELLOW MAN
OR YOU’LL BE SMITED BY LIQUID WALLABY JUSTICE
HE’S OUT THERE